Je t'attend .. Je t'attend .. Mais .. il me blesse..

Wow. I'm in pain today.I shouldn't have gone to school. I really shouldn't have. I'm still extrememly sickly. I was originally planning on leaving at the beginning of second period, but I didn't, in the hope that the day would get better.What a mistake.I just kept feeling worse.. worse.. I kept thinking "The day will be fine once you make it to lunch, you'll be happy." But when lunch came, I wasn't happy. Something almost made me puke. It wasn't food. I went through 8th period extremely sick to my stomach. Now I'm just trying not to think about it.French club was no fun. Hardly anyone came. And we made Valentines. That just sealed the deal, I think. A final blow on this day of unhappy things.I feel like I could pass out. I hate myself sometimes.Today is another one of those days where I wonder about what the world would be like if I weren't here.. if anyone would honestly care if quiet and out-of-the-way Eden just wasn't in the picture.My head's spinning so much, I wonder just how close I am to insanity.

Buki-Buki Payo!

Yeah .. so.. I got soooo sick last night after Michael and I got off the phone (around 10:00). I laid there in bed until around 12:30, and it seemed like I just kept getting sicker and sicker, until it got to the point where it hurt my muscles to sit up or move around, and my body was very hot but I had like 4 blankets on me and couldn't seem to get warm. I was so cold my teeth were chattering.When I woke up this morning, it's like it's all gone. I'm just a little sick to my stomach, feel like I have a miniscule fever, and have this wierd feeling that I'm so weak I can't even pick up a piece of paper. It's like I'm straining my arms to type now. It's just wierd. I hope everything goes okay today.

Nyaahhhh...

Nyahhh.. I'm still so sickkk... I don't know what's wrong.We have no thermometers in this house.But I have to go to school tomorrow. There's too many things I have to take care of, on the school level and the personal level.Blah. *sniffle, hack, cough*

Sucre, Au chocolat, Au pommes, Au Glace, Au fruits ...

I wish I were back in France, oh yes oh yes..I am in serious need of some Crêpes and Chocolat chaud (kind of like hot chocolate only 50x better) ..yumm....But I must wait 107 more days .. *SIGH*

"C'est la Vie, I wanna be the best me I can be..!"

Wow.I went to Therapy today.. and.. I must say I was reluctant to go. A lot of stuff's happened in the past 2 weeks, and being sick in a few different ways, naturally I was not wanting to talk much.But.. I'm glad I went. It helped, a lot. I had a lot of things I needed help understanding.I'm actually happy, I think, despite my coughing and hacking.

Joyful Sleep-time

lol, Seems I can't even get away from some things while I sleep - I just end up dreaming about them!Oh well. :) At least I'm happy in my sleep.

"In this never-ending circle, I've been sheltering a Dream.."

Don't know what's wrong today. I thought I was fine.. thought I was fine..Got to school and then, I don't know. I got Morgan to sign off on my Social studies class next year, started walking down the hallway.. I started shaking and I've felt sick ever since. I left during my Study hall, I was with mommy Farman at the time. I think she could tell something was wrong, because she was kinda obvious at trying to cheer me up. She started talking to me about my birthday, and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with her that Friday. Last time we went out to dinner we went to this Indian restaurant called Shalimar on Hurstbourne LN. I love being with her, she makes me happy. I can always smile for her.. except for today. Today I didn't feel like it was physically possible to smile for some reason.If Michael'd talked to me, I would've tried to smile too, but .. I don't think I could've.Eden has no Valentine for Valentine's day. Eden has absolutely no plans this weekend. *sigh* I think that hurts more than anything else. That makes the third year in a row.So French club is tomorrow, and I decided to buy everyone things to make Mardi Gras masks (I'm president of the French club, for those who didn't know), and so that may be fun. Farman told me Max's taking pictures, I guess I'm gonna have to try to look somewhat nice.. lol. NAHS is having their yearbook photo taken tomorrow during French club..and.. that's bad. I asked Alford about when she thought it would be, and she said to ask Mrs. Kandle. That was the last thing I wanted to do this morning.I wore my glasses today for the first time in a while. I never wear them because I don't think they look good on me, they just happened to match what I was wearing today. My left eye's kind of lazy, so I if I just look through that eye, everything's all fuzzy. My right eye's good enough to see for both, so I don't think I need my glasses but supposedly if I wear them long enough my eye's supposed to get better.Now what to do the rest of the day .. Hrm.. lay around, perhaps?

o/' "But when I dance, 'Je T'Aime Encore..'" .. o/'

I think I'm a little better than I was earlier. I just went to sleep for about 3 hours. I like to do that when I don't want to face the world. Sleep. I've been messing around with my new little sad doll. Poor little girl. I want to make her tears go away. Hug her close and say "It's okay, don't cry." At the same time I want to draw her and capture her feeling.. but, inanimate objects don't have feelings, do they? If I draw something sad, I feel sad myself. If I draw something happy, then I'm happy. I feel like drawing my little sad doll.I haven't taken my medication in a long time. I wash it down the sink. Recently I've been having panic attacks again. I still don't want my medicine. I think I'd rather feel myself freak out than feel a false happiness in the pit of my stomach.Hrm.. I have nothing to do. I might go draw for a little while since I finally have some time for art, and no one to see or to talk to..

Wee! Wee! Il est arrivé!

Yes! Finally! This morning I received my email from my host family in Macon, France. This is so cool! :D I'll post what she said, and then write out the translation for those of you who aren't cool and don't speak French. ;) j/k.Bonjour!Voilà, Je suis Charlotte et c'est donc chez moi que tu vas séjourner quelques jours en juin. Je ne pense pas que tu as reçu ma fiche, mais ça devrait bientôt arriver. Je suis desolé de ne pas t'écrire en Anglais, mais j'ai peur que tu ne me comprennes pas ... donc en attendant, que tu reçois ma fiche, je vais te parler un peu de moi. J'ai 15 ans mais quand tu viendras, j'en aurais bientôt 16 ans puisque je suis née en Juillet. Comme toi, j'ai 2 chats que j'adore - ils s'appellent Kidou et Capucine. J'ai aussi un frère qui s'apelle Lambert et qui a 17 ans. En ce qui concerne mes goûts, j'adore vraiment la danse et j'aime aussi beaucoup la photographie. J'aime assez nager. En musique, je n'ai pas de chanteur ou groupe péféré, mais j'aime bien Muse, Saez, No Doubt, Eminem ... Sur ta fiche il y a écrit que tu aimais bien "hiking" - qu'est-ce que c'est? Sur ce je te laisse.A trés bientôt,Charlotte Aww, she's so cute. :) Here's the translation, for the Français-imapaired:Hello!So, I'm Charlotte and it's at my house that you will be vacationing for some time in June. I don't think that you've received my paper, but it should arrive soon. I'm sorry to not write to you in English, but I'm worried that you wouldn't understand me ... so in the meantime, while you're waiting on my paper, I'll tell you a bit about myself. I'm 15, but when you come, I'll be near 16 since I was born in July. Like you, I have 2 cats whom I adore - Their names are Kidou and Capucine. I also have a brother named Lambert, and who's 17. Concerning my hobbies, I really like dance and I also really like photography. I also rather like to swim. In music, I don't have a favorite singer or band, but I do like Muse, Saez, No Doubt, Eminem ... On your paper you wrote that you like "hiking" - what's that? I guess I'll let you go.Talk to you soon,CharlotteWee <3 I can't wait to tell Sarah I'm gonna be staying with a No Doubt freak. I also can't wait to write her back, but I don't think I will until I receive her paper she filled out. Yay.

Oh.. hay..... ou.... *snore*

zZzZzZzM yeyes are crusty.I got no shleep;.I'll inject myself with some caffiene in a lit tle while so I can be awake for schol >:(And also alter later because I don't wanna fall asleep on Mike during the moviebut would that be such a bid thing/ i just wouldn't get to see the movie.byeeeeeeeeeezZz

Eeeh .. j'ai sommeil x_X

I've been working on homework since around 5:00 pm.Doesn't look like I'll be done before school starts.Damn Visual Arts magnet.But, the world has changed tonight. Eden has learned to sew using a sewing machine.Beware world, for many plushie toys can now be made as such the world has never seen.Mwahahahaha.*Squeaks toy jellyfish*

A Cruel Mind

What's the worst dream that you can have before you wake up for school?A Dream that today's a snow day.Damn my cruel mind.

As if things weren't bad enough...

Wow, who could have walked through the door but non other than my grandmother, who has caused me many a year of emotional grief.This is also the grandmother who told me over and over incessantly last spring that I was fat, and that she'd pay me to lose weight.If things don't turn for the better soon, I'm going to go insane or die, one.

Fuck.

Today was a bad, horrible, terrible day. I wasn't looking forward to it in the first place and the one part of the day I thought would be fun wasn't. Today was downright painful. I even embarrassed myself today .. I just want to forget it. Forget today. Forget this pain. I wish there was a machine that could erase memories.I hate being myself sometimes. I hate being a fucking pisces. I hate feeling things so much. On days like today I feel like .. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Fuck the world. Fuck life. Life never needed me. What is my part in the world? How many people would care if I weren't here? I really wonder sometimes.Joey thinks I partly deserve the pain I'm feeling today. Well fuck Joey, I can't help it. I'm selfish. On the outside I may not be, but I'm one mean and nasty person on the inside. All these people think I'm such a nice and gentle person .. but I'm just not. I'm quiet because I know most of the things I want to say would just upset people. I want someone that can understand me. That's what I want more than anything in the world. I'd give up anything to have that person. Someone to lean on when I'm upset, like today. Have them hold me and just not say anything. Someone to love me in spite of my "dark side", and to partly love me because of it.I hate today.

"Artist Unknown"

Yeah, so.. I was doing some editing on my Artist's Statement today and thought I'd post it for all to see. Feel free to comment.Artist's StatementSmiling and painted faces which never weep. Furry teddy bears that tickle your skin. In my artwork, I explore the world of the child - innocent, happy, and warm. I strain to capture the feeling and emotions that are treasured most by a typical little girl by painting dolls, stuffed toys, flowers, and other knick-knacks. I paint my images as realistically as I am able, using soft and light colors. I wish the viewer of my pieces to feel the cloth of a doll's dress, or the colorful, smooth glass beads of a bracelet. I want the viewer to feel as though they want to pick these objects in my paintings out of the canvas and play with them. When I paint, I try to capture a bit of the feelings I should have had, but lost, as a child. Unusual family circumstances and obstacles in my young life kept me from experiencing a full childhood. Now that I am older, and my life has taken a more smooth and steady path, I find myself more interested in things that I would have been interested in ten years ago, such as dolls and toys, rather than the average 16-year-old's interests - boys, make-up, and clothes. Dolls hold a special place in my heart and are the most significant objects in my paintings. They are a symbol of purity. Dolls are the perfect little girls - dressed beautifully, never hurt or sad. Dolls always have "Good hair Days", and can never do anything wrong. They don't have to worry about the problems that average humans face every day. Dolls are never scared or anxious. No one is ever angry with a doll. When I was young, I so much wanted to be a beautiful doll, so that no one would ever be angry with me. Since humans cannot push a "Rewind" button on life's VCR, I will continue to paint these images, in hope of rediscovering feelings lost in a broken home. I will continue my quest to take back what is mine, and hold what I discover close to my heart. Even if my home will never be fixed, with every new painting I create, one rip is mended in my soul.

Chouette! -- Franco-Journal :)

Finally, it seems they've switched my journal to French (I put it into customization a while ago). And, If you can't understand the stuff.. too bad. Hehe, well, no - Here's a little help just in case you need it. o_0> Entrées récentes = Recent Entries> Archives = Archives> Amis = Friends> Profil = ProfileNow that wasn't that hard was it?I had a rather boring day. Nothing eventful occured except for maybe scheduling, and even then I didn't like it much because I'm not going to have as many free classes as I thought (So far it's looking like I'm going to have like, none.) It's at this time I don't like HSU people. So many Electives. Grr.I don't know if I need to make up this one VA class I failed sophomore year. Uh.. I guess it's a trip to the Counselor's office tomorrow for me. I want to aid for Francoise but I don't know if I'm going to be able to if I have to make that up. That's going to be 4 art classes. I'll go insane if that happens, I fucking know it.During first period I had one of those energy drinks that comes in the funny little cans, only being on Atkins mine was sugar free. It still had the caffiene of a cup of coffee. During 2nd period (Studyskills) I sat there with my eyes all big clicking my pen over and over and over... I've never had coffee. The smell makes me sick (At least my dad's Starbucks House blend does).Stayed after school to make up a French quiz.4th Period was awesome since I got to sit with Michael and talk to him for a bit (Sowers gave us a bit of free time - Shocking!). He asked me if I wanted to do something this weekend so, it sounds like we're gonna go see Big Fish and then go back to my house and DDR or something.Gave everyone their calendars. Sarah acted a little obsessed with hers, it was a cute obsessed, though. Probably going to see a lot of those pictures in her sketchbook. I just got a hug from Michael. It was a nice hug though. ;) I don't know if the hug was for the calendar or not actually, I'm just guessing.French Club is on Wednesday with Mardi Gras festivites. Unfortunately I haven't decided whether or not I'll be partaking of the crepes or not since I'm still on a diet. Everyone needs to come.. (*Presidential Pressure Power!*)The caffiene's worn off. I'm exhausted now. Probably will go swimming later.

Eeh... zZz

I can't sleep.No particular reason, I just think my body's decided to wake up for the day. I got up about half an hour ago to check on an auction that was going off and it went too high for me, so I went back to sleep.Then my cat decided it was time to annoy Eden so she decided it was fun to knock over everything on my night stand.Great. Now both cats are teaming up to knock over the stuff on my night stand.Not particularly looking forward to anything today. Except maybe the morning. I bought some calendars that were on clearance at JMall over the weekend, and got one for Sarah and Michael too just because I knew they'd like them if they didn't already have them. But $3 a piece is worth a try.I like making people happy and making or buying little things for them. I'm definately going to make some sweet things around valentine's day, since I know I'll actually have someone in my heart around that time.The other day I talked to Sarah, and she was like "You know what Eden, even though none of us really ever tell you, you're really a sweet person."Don't blame me. I'm the epitome of an emo Pisces.

The Quiz Blog - Encore!

Hee.I took some more. Have fun.From Sexual Appeal to Finding Nemo.. L o L.You, my friend are a true individual. You mostlikely hate trends and are creative. By seeingthings differently, people either admire you orthink you are a bit strange. A Deeper Look Inside Yourself brought to you by Quizilla What's your sexual appeal?brought to you by QuizillaWhat Finding Nemo Character are You?brought to you by QuizillaMy inner child is six years old!Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I canread! I like to do stuff, and there's a wholebig world out there to do it in. Just so longas I can take my blankie and my Mommy and mythree best friends with me, of course. How Old is Your Inner Child? brought to you by QuizillaLord of the Rings! What movie Do you Belong in? brought to you by QuizillaIt's interesting that I would get LoTR, considering I haven't seen it.

A Little Cuteness with Your Breakfast?

I downloaded a new Anime yesterday that I've never heard of before, called Bottle Fairy. Of course, any anime with "fairy" in it I have to download to see how cute it is. I'm a cutesy-bishoujo-girly anime freak (e.g. favorites - Card Captor Sakura, Di Gi Charat, Chobits, Ah! Megami-sama! .. ), so...I watched it last night and this morning, downloaded the first half of the series. The episodes are only about 13 minutes long, and there are only 13 in the series, so I watched 1-6. It was almost too cute, I couldn't take it. I think I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time with big blue sparkly eyes, thinking "kawaiiiii~!". The series is about these 4 little teeny fairies that are studying the human world (I don't know why, but who cares?). So it's the classic storyline. Pictures of all the fairies and their names (I can't remember them all) can be found here. My favorite little kawaii fairy was Chiriri - Does anyone else think she looks like Chii? Plus, in the series some of the other fairies sometimes refer to her as Chi-chan.. Plus the art of the show really looks like Chobits too.. coinkydink? My LJ layout is now Chiriri centered. Isn't she so kyoot? :D This anime just came out recently, I hope I see some plushies of these fairies soon, or I think I'll die.I've been watching the new Live Action "Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon" lately also, a new ep came out yesterday I have yet to download from TV Nihon. At first I wasn't so sure I'd like it but it's actually quite good. See it, people.Wow, that's a lot of talking about anime. I haven't done that for a long time. I don't really talk to anyone about it anymore, it's not a really important subject anymore in High School, maybe.I thought I'd take this too, just because I saw it on LeAnn's LJ, and thought it was kinda interesting.DisorderRatingParanoid:LowSchizoid:LowSchizotypal:ModerateAntisocial:LowBorderline:LowHistrionic:ModerateNarcissistic:ModerateAvoidant:LowDependent:ModerateObsessive-Compulsive:Low-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --</small>I'm Histrionic and Narcissistic in my mind .. don't hate me.

Yay!

I got Michael on the coolest Quiz on Quizilla.com ;)You are Mike, one of the 'good' juniors. You wantto learn and do what you're told. You are alsovery very tall and make the short staffers feelinferior. Which Manual Yearbook staffer are YOU? brought to you by Quizilla

The Quiz Blog :)

Yeah.. So, I love these Quizilla quizzes. I decided to just take a bunch and put them all in one entry. Have fun getting to know a little too much about me. :)You're A Neko (Cat)!Meow! You love acting like a cat, because you AREpart cat! How did this come to be? I have noidea! But yay for you! You're playful andhappy. You love being spoiled and pampered,but you have a vicious side too. What Type Of Anime Character Are You? brought to you by Quizilla-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Whichmeans you're quite a rare find! :P You'rethe kind of chick that can hang out with yourboyfriend's friends and be silly. You don'tcare about presents or about going to fancyplaces- Hell, just hang out. You're just happybeing around your boyfriend.What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?brought to you by Quizillacuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to beclose to your special someone and feel warm,comfortable, and needed What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by QuizillaWaaah! You're so LOVABLE! Everybody likes you,because you're a great person to have aroundand it's always happy about everything ^^.congrats! and...can I hug you?? plz! ^///^ Yet another personality test ^-^brought to you by QuizillaYou're Skittles!!! You have a very interestingpersonality, you're so unique. You're the kindof person who always thinks outside of the box.You're also a very accepting individual, andbelieve in inner beauty. Which kind of candy are you? brought to you by QuizillaYou represent... hope.You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopelessromantic. You enjoy being creative and don'tmind being alone at times. You have goals, andknow what you want in life... even if they area little far fetched. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla